Wonder Why

I used to wonder

Why my mother;

Never ask what I want to be when I grow up?

Never tell me to study and be something and someone

And even when I did good with school she doesn’t make it as it is important
I used to wonder

Why my mother

Never tell me I’m beautiful

Never ask me to take care of my face or my body or my hair

Never tell me to watch what I eat

Never teach me how to dress or doll myself
I used to wonder

Why my mother

Never ask if I have a boyfriend

Never tell what kind of boy I should bring home
She never tell

She never ask

And I used to wonder why
So, instead I keep on asking 

And I keep on telling her

Things wandering in my head

Things growing in my heart

And leave me with another things to think

Because usually she responds with more what, why, who, where, when and how for me to answer
She never tell

She never ask

And I used to wonder 
Until many years later

After so much love and hate things going on

After more miles between

And our conversation limit to phones, texts, vacations and holidays

And awhile before she died;

Only then I have the answer to my wonder why

When she answered, 

“I want you to be your first love.

And for that I know I have to eliminate dreams, every expectations I have for you;

Everything I want to tell or ask. 

And learn how to just be there and pray in silence for you.”

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It’s okay, I can do it

I can open door for me,

I can pay my own food,

I’m good with the house I’m living,

I can drive with the car I bought from my hard work,

I can pay for the dresses or shoes or bags or necklace I spot at first time,

But I do expect you;

To respect me when I say NO, 

Let me wear what I want or have the hair I like,

Not to break my self worth in any possible way,

But if,

Only if you think I ask too much. 

And you can only offer me fairy tale and sparkly romance like those fiction movies or books or songs,

I’m going to say, “Thank you but no thank you.”

Because, it’s okay I can do it by myself.

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Have you?

Have you ever talked to someone, about Phi and why the log system created, effortlessly?

Or talked seriously about rain, ice cream and rainbow?

Have you ever spent your time from 8 p.m. to 8 a.m. with someone? Talking just about random things, between singing and laughing. When it ends you don’t remember a thing. But you feel good anyway.

Have you ever spent seconds silence with someone but you learned so much about yourself?

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It’s amazing

How hundreds of thank you and sorry can turn a stranger into a family.

How familiarity can come in between time spent into moments into memories.

How you and me become us and somehow you and I can’t taste the same anymore.

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A mental breakdown

Today, woke up gloomy. Felt like everything gone wrong.

Then, I overheard a girl calling her mom outside my window. Just like that I cried missing my mother.

I don’t know how people go on with their life

Because even after years after my soulmate and my mom gone; seems like I never really get the hang of life anymore.

I wish I know how. Because I promised to be happy to them. And to myself.

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There are days when everything so chaotic that I even lost myself in it

From him I learned that being strong and keep moving are not the only option in life. I learned to stop and stand still, to accept and to let go things are options too.

These days, when things more tiring, I let myself stop

Look up to the sky

Enjoying rain

Lie down on the coach

Because me being happy and in peace is more important than being in control or perfect

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For him for me

For him my passions are chaotic

When I cook or bake

When my crafty side hit

When my fingers dancing on keyboard

When my imagination run wild

When my creativity unstoppable

Weirdly they blown his mind and quite addictive for him
For me; 

I love how I’m being myself when I’m with him

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